In today’s lesson on How To Know Your Web Designer Sucks, we’re going to examine the work of a self-proclaimed “professional web designer.” I’m not going to include a link to this “professional’s” site, not only because they don’t deserve the traffic, but because it’s not my intent to run any one person down but rather to provide an educational review of what some folks consider “professional.”
You may read the editorial remarks and think I’m nitpicking, splitting hairs, or being unduly critical of the passage I’m going to review. If you think that, you’re right! There’s a reason for this: The passage under review is not just taken from the site of someone claiming to be a professional web developer. This person is an “ExpertRating Certified Professional” in “SEO Skills” and “English,” among other things. Furthermore, the passage is given as an example of their work. This is being used to sell people on the notion that this person is an expert. This person, in particular, charges $150 per week for uploading ‘quality articles’ to client sites.
With that in mind, the material below provides a beautiful case study not only in the utter worthlessness of expert certifications, but also as prima facie evidence of the theories put forth in the well-known article, “Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments.” I think you’ll agree that the level of incompetence involved here approaches fine art.
Footnotes are linked to explanations below the article. Beyond that will be a re-write of this article that says what needs saying without all that costly incompetence.
You may not know this but decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks, and fixtures1 in the home are remarkably versatile and can be used in any available lavatory.2 Enhanced with a glamorous finish, decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks, and fixtures can really give3 your home a glamorous look4. And5 decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks, and fixtures will coordinate well with virtually any style6. Offering a natural look, decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks, and fixtures open up your home to a refreshing world of attraction.7 Its truly what you should expect at the very least8 especially since they retain their looks longer, offer a way to get a completely refreshing9 look for your house, and spruce up your family home or guest house almost immediately.10 This type of improvement really gives11 your environment that personal touch.
Decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks and fixtures are remarkably beautiful investmentd12 to13 any family home or guest house14. Whether you need traditional easy-to-install decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks and fixtures or custom-made decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sink, and fixtures, you can get the ones that are the first option15 for architects, designers, and other homeowners like you<16. Decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks and fixtures are a lovely addition to your home – one that is a delightful improvement to any house17. Due to advanced industry developments, theres no reason why you can18 get the improvement that you need. And19 for market price reasons20, this type of addition is an inexpensive and practical way to deepen the merit of your home21.
There are many good reasons for placing decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks and fixtures in your home. The most evident explanation22 is the enjoyment youil get from using decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sink23, and fixtures. Whether you want an addition that features fine attention to detail or retains its looks for longer24, this type of addition can be custom-made according to your home personal style and budget25. Your decorative bathroom faucets, bathroom sinks and fixtures can create quite a fascinating and appealing scene in your home26. But if you prefer function over appearance, your home addition can also help create a multipurpose, multifunctional living space27 that can be adapted to your individual and changing needs.
- This phrase is repeated, more or less verbatim, no fewer than 11 times in three paragraphs. This may meet someone’s definition of ‘search engine optimization,’ but I call it ‘keyword stuffing,’ and by the time I’m done reading it feels like 111 times. This odious brand of ‘optmization’ gives me a strong urge to wrap someone’s keyboard cable around their neck and beat them to death with a thesaurus. (Note: that’s a metaphor. I’m not actually advocating beating anyone to death with a thesaurus, nor suggesting that I would actually do such a thing, as gratifying as it may be. That should be self-evident, but I certainly wouldn’t trust the intellect who created this garbage to recognize it.) More importantly, as search engines become increasingly sophisticated, this type of c-grade “optimization” is actually beginning to be penalized in search engine ranks. In other words, it’s achieving exactly the opposite of the intended effect.
(return to text) - ‘Any available lavatory?’ So if the lavatory is in use, does one have to remove the fixtures then? Or is this meant to suggest that bathroom fixtures might be mistakenly used in some other room in the house, say the den? This is the first of many examples in this text of ‘filler,’ defined in this context as ‘semantically null phraseology intended primarily to increase word count, particularly useful when one is charging by the word.’ Keep a close eye out for this kind of work when you’re looking for a copy writer or technical writer; it’s a big flaming red flag that just screams “incompetence.”
(return to text) - This phrase, “can really give,” appears a couple of times in the text, and provides a good point at which to emphasize the value of understanding your audience. Someone who is going to invest in upgrading their bathrooms with quality custom fixtures is not likely to be a fourteen year old girl who runs around talking about what boy or color or flavor of bubblegum they “really like” this week. “Really” is a null value, recognized by professional writers as an essentially worthless, overused, and childish adverb. It’s a filler word; it smells of someone who was a few words shy of a quota and went back to add chaff.
(return to text) - Reduced to its key parts, this sentence reads: “With a glamorous finish, fixtures give a glamorous look.” Well…no shit! And here I was thinking a glamorous finish would impart a look of decay, overuse, and abandonment. What in the world kind of look would one expect a “glamorous finish” to give? This is a sales pitch to estate owners – people who own “guest homes” – but it reads like a flyer posted in a trailer park.
(return to text) - Starting a sentence with a conjunction is a mistake that any competent seventh-grader could point out as a grammatical error. This is ‘certified expertise?’
(return to text) - “…with virtually any style?”
virtually [vrchoo ?lee]adverb1. practically: in effect even if not in fact 2. nearly: almost but not quite Microsoft Encarta Reference Library 2005. 1993-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
So then…what style won’t these fixtures coordinate well with?
(return to text) - This entire sentence blows. “Offering a natural look?” What if I don’t want a “natural look?” What if I’m going for an art deco look, or a post-modern look, or an ultra-modern look, or a Victorian look? And what, exactly, do bathroom fixtures look like in their native habitat? Are they furry? I’m not even sure what species a bathroom faucet is. Maybe these decorative faucets are made from hewn granite and fed via aquaduct? But then that’s not really “natural” either, is it? I mean, just because it’s old doesn’t necessarily mean it’s natural. What, exactly, does it mean to “open my home to a refreshing world of attraction?” We’re talking about the toilet for crying out loud, that’s not really something I’m going to “open to the world” in the first place, but what the hell is a “refreshing world of attraction?” It sounds like a mint-flavored carnival ride where everyone pretends they think you’re pretty. Also, doesn’t the idea that “attraction” would be “refreshing” sort of suggest that the potential buyer is not particularly used to being considered attractive? Otherwise, what would be “refreshing” about it? What a null string. I want my money back, and I didn’t even pay for this crap.
(return to text) - Beyond the fact that this is another empty, meaningless bit of semantic nullity, there’s a comma missing here. Rather a bad move to drop punctuation in a piece you’re putting forth as evidence of your expertise in English, don’t you think?
(return to text) - “Completely refreshing,” even. Not only will you be refreshed by these bathroom fixtures, you will be completely refreshed. Over-use of an adjective, 10-yard penalty. Under-use of text with anything close to real meaning, 50-yard penalty.
(return to text) - Nevermind the arguable misuse of the phrase “spruce up,” what the hell do you mean “almost immediately?!” By Bob, if I’m gonna get these completely refreshing, natural-looking, attractive fixtures installed, they’d better start working RIGHT NOW! Do I have to let them warm up, first, like a diesel engine? Or is there a “break in period” like you used to have with cars, where you had to put a couple-three hundred miles on them before they could really get up and go? Can I pay for them “almost immediately?”
(return to text) - See (3)
(return to text) - Typo. If this was a MySpace, nobody would care. It’s not – it’s a portfolio sample of an English ‘expert’ who charges money for their expertise. Therefore: It is fail.
(return to text) - “…are really beautiful investment[s] to?” I’ve never heard of investing TO something, in this sense of the word. I’ve heard of investing TO make money, TO get rich, TO see if your hunch is right, TO improve the value of your home, but I’ve never heard of investing TO stocks or TO your home. For a certified expert in English, this writer has some rather serious problems with word choice.
(return to text) - This is the second time in four sentences the phrase “family home or guest house” appears. More hot air masquerading as meaningful communication. In this context, “home” is all that needs to be said. And if it’s not, then why are we leaving out apartments, condominiums, houseboats, bachelor pads, dormitories, hotels, motels, marinas, public restrooms? Don’t these valuable resources also deserve to be opened to a refreshing world of attraction? Of course the subtler nuances are just fodder for my pen; the whole thing is junk. The writer is just trying to inflate their word count, and it’s obvious.
(return to text) - I can get “the ones” (crappy phrasing there) that are the first option? Great! Which “ones” would those be? Where would I get them? Does this vendor carry them?
…Oh. It doesn’t say. 🙁
(return to text) - Gratuitous personalization is the last refuge of the unimaginative huckster.
(return to text) - Bob knows I’m all about complex sentences, but in this case, ” – one that is” could at least be replaced with a comma or a “, and”…and the whole thing would read better if the sentence ended just before the dash anyway. More artificial inflation of word count. This writer is so obviously getting paid by the word it’s…well, frankly disgusting, given the way those words are being handled.
(return to text) - “Due to advanced industry developments” is a craptastic and null insertion, but the thing I actually want to point out here is that the writer wrote “can” when the context obviously indicates that “can’t” is what was really intended. Is this the kind of slipshod quality control you hire an ExpertRating Certified Professional for? Once again, I remind you: this text is a sample being used to demonstrate the writer’s expertise in English composition.
(return to text) - See (5)
(return to text) - “For market price reasons, this is inexpensive.” Really? See, I thought the reason for something being inexpensive would be…oh, the color of my hair, or what day it is, or whether the swallows have yet returned to Capistrano. Holy mother of pearl what a waste of language.
(return to text) - “…deepen the merit of my home?” Captain Composition, we have a code Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. WHAT THE @$%* DOES THIS EVEN MEAAAAAAN?! *headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk *
(return to text) - The most evident explanation is that we added the word “explanation” to bloat the word count, after a third-grade level opening sentence to which the word “explanation” simply does not apply. In context, the writer is saying, “There are many reasons to do (NOT “for”) this. The most evident reason is that.” There are, conceivably, some constructs in which the word choice here would make sense. For instance:
“There are many reasons that this writing is absolutely horrible. One explanation is that the writer is a blithering idiot with delusions of adequacy.”
This is definitely not one of them.
(return to text) - ‘Sink’ should be plural here. While a multitude of bathroom sinks isn’t real common, leaving it singular creates a grammatical disagreement with the plural use of ‘faucets’ and ‘fixtures.’ The result sounds clumsy, awkward, and incorrect. That’s because it is.
(return to text) - So I can only have fixtures that EITHER feature fine attention to detail OR retain their looks longer? What if I want them to do both? Guess I’ll have to find someone that can manage it, since this company has just told me they can’t. THANKS CERTIFIED PROFESSIONAL ENGLISH EXPERT!
(return to text) - “…according to your home personal style and budget?” What if I want it made to my away personal style and budget? What if I want it made to my vacation personal style and budget? What if I want it made to my home impersonal style? Again, a blazing example of stuffing words in where they don’t belong just for the sake of getting paid, without the slightest bit of attention to what they’re actually saying. I suspect that the writer actually intended to write “according to your home’s personal style and budget,” but the realized that people might get creeped out by an anthropomorphic house. Either that, or they just couldn’t figure out how to properly render the possessive.
(return to text) - My bathroom components are going to create a scene in my house? Will I need to call the cops? Is this going to be like, a screaming and hollering type of scene, or more one of those uncomfortable silence scenes like when your Uncle Billy shows up to Thanksgiving dinner drunk AGAIN? Or is this like a theatrical scene or a movie scene? Will we have to learn blocking, choreography, and stage presence? Or is it like a music scene? “Dude, the music scene in my toilet is like, TOTALLY gnarly, it’s just like Seattle back in the late 80’s…” Again, this is such poor use of language that to call it ‘amateurish’ would be an act of immeasurable magnanimity and an insult to amateur writers.
(return to text) - First: If I “prefer function over appearance,” I’m not going to be buying DECORATIVE fixtures, I’m going to be buying fixtures that are rated for heavy use or long life. If I “prefer function over appearance,” your entire sales pitch is now completely shot in the ass. Second, what is this “multipurpose, multifunctional” nonsense? It’s a bathroom! I want to wash my hands, take a shower or bath, use the commode, shave, brush my teeth, and leave. ANY bathroom will fill that function, regardless of whether my fixtures are ‘functional’ or ‘decorative’ or – as seems to be unheard-of according to this – both. Multi-functional multi-purpose bullshit. What am I supposed to do, convert it into a ballroom when I have a lot of guests? Can I fold all the fixtures away and turn it into a greenhouse, a library, a basketball court? A church? A village square? Will it mow my lawn for me, or fix the car? It’s the Swiss Army Bathroom w00t~!
(return to text)
Wow. What a MESS. I don’t know what boggles my mind more: the notion that someone would look at this and say “THIS is the certified professional expert that I want writing my ad copy and optmizing my web pages for search engine prominence,” or the notion that someone actually thought that anyone with a greater than eighth-grade education would consider this unethically bloated, barely-comprehensible dreck to be something they would show the world as an example of their English skill.
Here’s what it all really says:
You may not know this, but decorative replacement faucets, sinks, and fixtures in the bathrooms of your home can help to enhance and restore your home’s beauty and value. Careful selection from today’s wide range of available bathroom fixtures allows you to express your own taste and style at far less cost that you may expect.
This simple investment in your home is durable, attractive, and will add value and beauty for years to come. Additionally, many models are surprisingly easy to install and maintain. Our selection of bathroom fixtures and plumbing accessories includes the industry’s most popular top-name brands, used by professional architects and home builders as well as do-it-yourself hobbyists.
If you’re looking for an cost-effective, long-lasting way to improve the value and beauty of your home or rental property, please take a look at our list of available offerings, and don’t hesitate to let us know if you have any questions!
The sample text I used for this article is under copyright, and is used here in accordance with ‘Fair Use’ provisions in US and International copyright law which allow the use of copyrighted content for the purposes of education, commentary, review, or parody. While under ordinary circumstances I would identify the original author, in this case it is my firm belief that in doing so I would be doing much more harm to them than good…but if they are stupid enough to insist, I’ll happily do so.
It is not my intent with this article to single out any one person or firm for criticism. Rather, the point is that certifications really don’t mean a whole lot. Anyone can be a ‘certified expert’ if they cram a little bit and pay the fee for taking the test. Anyone can pay an organization or group calling themselves ‘industry experts’ for the privilege of sticking a little graphic on their website proclaiming their expertise.
Don’t be fooled by this game of smoke and mirrors. Everybody’s not an expert in everything – if they were, there would be no need to hire a web designer or copy writer in the first place. That said, if you’re going to hire an expert, you need to be in a position to accurately assess expertise in the field. If you aren’t in such a position, then delegate that responsibility to a trusted friend or employee. Don’t get taken in by ‘certificates’ and ‘awards’ that don’t mean anything.
I hope you’ve found this installment of “How To Know Your Web Designer Sucks” to be informative and entertaining. Watch this space: more is coming soon!